Archive for August, 2010

Remembering Ben

Author: admin

Aug 28

I don’t usually post on the weekend, but I find myself surrounded by emotions and blinded by my mortality so much that I just have to get it out.  It’s just been one of those weeks, those months and while I don’t think this is the last of it…it’s hard when it hits so very close to home.

I was rushing in, trying to get the gifts wrapped for a birthday party that we needed to be at in 30 minutes and we were 45 minutes away.  You know the everyday, life goes on and I am wrapped up in my little world of existence moment when the hubs stepped out of his office (in one of my many passes down the hall) and blocked my path.  To say I was annoyed – well yes, I didn’t have time for him to be standing there but I noticed a solitary look on his face that I’ve only seen a few times and paused without saying a word.  What I would hear next would screech my moment to a halt and change my outlook completely.

“Ben has been missing for 9 days.  He went on a dive and hasn’t been seen since – his body hasn’t been found yet, but the cadavar dogs reacted to the water so they think he is still in there.”

What do you say to that?  What words of comfort do you share with those closest to the ‘missing?’ What happened and HOW could something like this happen to someone like Ben?  To say that he was anymore special or deserving of life, is not what I mean…but it is moments like this that send me straight back to questioning my faith in more ways than one.

Ben and his family entered our lives a few years ago with a job proposition.  You see, 2 years ago Paul (Ben’s younger brother) had passed away at age 22 due to a stroke.  Paul, who was an avid rock climber and adventure enthusiast was also an organ donor and in his death provided the opportunity for others to live on.  The family started a nonprofit organization-The Paul McDaniel Foundation- to bring organ donation and stroke awareness to the community and through this my husband met the family.  Offering his time and creative energies to help get the website built, fliers and mailers created, my husband became involved with the foundation and it’s causes.

I am an organ donor and fully support its causes so to say that it didn’t take much for me to get involved with this project would be an understatement.  Over the next few months I learned the incredible story of hope and faith and love this family has as it continued to rally support in the wake of the youngest brothers death and my admiration was built.  As with many things however, it is easy to keep it separated from ‘your’ life in the since of a limited connection to the family.  That is until I met Ben.

I had heard so much about Ben and had this image of him as something bigger than life never realizing he was so much more than I had ever imagined.   Ben and I became friends on Facebook first and then when I finally had the chance to meet him in person he was as special as they come.  A big welcoming smile an easy laugh that could warm up even the coldest room and a heart as big as Texas.  He was definitely one of a rare few in this world.

Despite the tragedy that he had be through, his faith was as strong as ever and he never wavered in his belief that life had a purpose and he fully intended to enjoy and live his to the fullest.  He wasn’t one to keep to himself, no, Ben shared his spirit with everyone around and left a mark on each of us every time he was around.  You see, Ben was my age – he was 30 years old when he went into the water Wednesday night and he will forever be 30 years old in our hearts.

I have scoured the news articles, facebook, dive forums and accounts of the rescue/recovery divers attempting to bring closure to this family and I am left grappling with my own mortality and questions of “What is our purpose?” I am left struggling with how amazing and bright Ben was to everyone he met, how devoted to God and his faith he was and now…now he is ‘missing.’  I want to ask “Why?  Why God did you take him?  Why put this family through another loss?” Because to me, I cannot wrap my tiny little brain around having to bury my child, much less having to bury 2 children so very close together.  I cannot fathom being the age I am today and not having tomorrow to watch the sun rise or tell my family I love them or smell the rain or laugh at the simple pleasures in life.  I cannot understand the ‘why.’

I have read what is available, both speculation and fact and know the likelihood of his return are slim, but part of my holds on to that tiniest glimmer of hope that he is somewhere in that cave, in an air pocket holding on just a little bit longer for rescue, because I do not want to accept we are all only human and our time is limited no matter how we choose to live our life.  Because when the time comes that Ben is no longer ‘missing’ I will have to accept life is only a mere blink of an eye and then it is gone.

What we leave behind is only what we choose to do today because tomorrow may never be.

The Hub and Ben at hubbys Birthday Party

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Blindsided

Author: admin

Aug 24

There’s a line that I hear calling to me from the recesses of my brain.  A song that I have always had an affinity for despite it’s simplicity.   A song that perhaps has no connection to my world other than the melodic chorus and striking words, but it is here and I can’t shake it.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday.

Life begins and ends in the blink of an eye.  It comes and goes and changes with nothing more than a whisper to once was and often, unless you are the one affected, it goes unnoticed.  Driving along the road, lost in your own thoughts about work left to be done, what to cook for dinner, the smile on your childs face when you get home, the feel of your partners kiss that you’ve missed all day.  Whatever the thought – your world and your moment collide with someone elses and just like that things have changed.

Wrapped in the warmth of your own home, protected, safe from harm preparing for tomorrow, just like everyday before, the wind snaps or the spark cracks or an intruder appears and none of it matters because what once was can disappear just that fast.  Or perhaps you move from day to day, excelling at what you do, tackeling the tasks you’ve been given believing you matter…you make a difference and are important to the big picture when the boss calls you in says “I’m sorry, but….” and you realize you are as irreplaceable as the next guy.

Life happens with or without our consent.  There is no way to fully know what lies ahead and even if we have enough forewarning into the immediate actions, we will never know the true ramifications of the outcome until it is all said and done.  For me – I don’t dwell on what I cannot change.  I don’t focus on what could potentially be because I believe it invites negative energy in.  It doesn’t mean however, that I am immune to it.  It doesn’t mean that it does not come and knock me right out of my own cocoon of bliss from time to time either.  And then there are moments like now, when I feel it in my bones.  I feel it in the core of my being that something is on the horizon.  I feel the change all around me and all I can do is brace myself for whatever it may be and know that I too will get through this.

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Friday Funnies

Author: admin

Aug 20

It’s been that kind of week.  You know, the one that just flies by cram packed through every waking moment.  The one where you look back and say say “WOW!”  I’ve got thoughts just swirling, twirling and whirling around in my head, but they don’t really seem to come out in complete sentences.  This time of  year is very busy at work and always hectic and stressful, so I thought today I’d just highlight a few of the funnier moments from the last few days.

1) I received an email from a customer that stated they would need certain software on their computer for testing purposes and referenced the vendor who made the software recommendation.  Shortly following, I received an email from the vendor who was also requesting the software for my customers computer.  It is normal for the customer to contact me with this type of request, but it is abnormal for the vendor to request it when ultimately the vendor is also the same vendor who supplies the software.  I never get used to a vendor who has multiple departments with little communication between the departments.

2) I saw this T-Shirt this week

"How's that Hopey-Changey thing working out for 'ya?"

 3) My 2yr old is exerting her independance.  Ok, so she has always been headstrong and willful, but she never ceases to amaze me at the lengths she’ll go to when getting her way. 
Case and point:  When getting in the car she likes to buckle her seatbelt and will often tell us “NO” and push our hands away when we try to.  So this week while getting in the car I casually said “Little Miss, buckle your seatbelt” and she replied with “NO!”  I waited a second and then said again…”Yes, buckle your seat belt please” – she replied with “NO!” and proceeded to sit there with her arms crossed staring at me as if “and you can’t make me.”  So I turned around and swatted her hand and this time said “You do not tell Momma NO, you will buckle your seat belt.”  This time she did buckle her seatbelt without a verbal “NO” but that did not stop her from shaking her head NO the whole time she was doing it.

 4) We were in a minor accident and I called our insurance to start a claim while we were waiting for the police to arrive.  I get the automated prompts and push 1, then 4, then 1 again to get to a ‘live’ person for NEW claims.  Suzy Sunshine answers the phone and asks if this is a ‘new‘ claim.  I say yes.  She then asks “How can I assist you?” and I respond with “We were just in a minor accident and I’d like to start a claim.” “Oh my, I’m so sorry.  That must be horrible. Are you Ok?  Is your car ok?” as she trys to muster a little less sunshine in her voice.  All I can think at that moment was, “Well, if my car was ok, I don’t think I’d be calling you.”  As if she doesn’t hear this kind of thing 50 times a day!

5) I called 911 to report the accident and request police assistance.  15 minutes, 2 firetrucks and 3 police cars (who pass right beside us) later I call back to 911 to request assistance again.  Another 45 minutes go by without anyone stopping despite the accident 400yards in front of us that has 3 Firetrucks, 2 ambulances and 6 police cars working it and all parties involved decide they do not want to wait any longer and leave.  20 more minutes after we have left the accident site the 911 operator calls back to ask if we still need assistance. We explain no one is there anymore after the hour+ wait and numerous police passes and she responds with “Well, maybe they didn’t see you?”  Really, multiple cars, middle of the highway, people standing around…of course they didn’t see us! duh

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