I wrote this post 2 years ago and have since archived it away from CafeKel, but have been thinking alot about friends lately and what exactly that means to me.  With time, I believe we all change and grow and evolve and yet sometimes it is not at the same speed and intensity as those friends we consider close to us.  Relationships can be outgrown due to a variety of reasons, but what about those that you do not want to let go of yet…the relationships that you are willing to work to keep together but it feels one sided.  Friends who know your secrets, know part of you hidden to most of the world and yet that relationship seems to be failing.  At the same time, taking a step to forge a new relationship with someone potentially as special to you is equally scary…so instead I stand somewhere in the middle trying to find my balance and marveling in what is for today.
~Kel

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Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some move our souls to dance.
They awaken us to a new understanding with
the passing of a whisper of their wisdom.
Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon,
they stay in our lives for awhile,
leave footprints on our heart,
and we are never, ever the same.
Anonymous

Recently I’ve been doing a lot of introspective soul searching, I’ve been evaluating my thoughts about myself, attempting to redefine myself and simply questioning what once was black and white – is now very gray. In this process, I have put a lot of mental energy into certain subjects, mostly in the form of open ended questions to which I have not necessarily found the answers by way of words alone, but through the people I’ve met and interactions I’ve had with them. A question was raised over at SemiCharmedWife “Can I still be me without my past?” to which has sparked as a massive conversation piece. Personally, I think I am a collective sum of my pieces, a whole of my parts. This being said, my experiences have been a result of the many people I have met along this journey. I’ve seen some good, some bad and some in the middle. I’ve placed people on pedestals because I thought they could do no wrong, only to find myself let down in the end. I’ve also underestimated and judged some people too early only to find they are ‘more than meets the eye’ and usually a wonderful friend. This is not to say however, that all my first impressions are wrong, it’s just that some require more more depth than others.

I’ve been influenced both positively and negatively by the people I’ve met. Some have pushed me beyond my limits and I am a better person and some have torn me down, of which I have learned valuable lessons about myself. The problem I have is not the people or the experiences I have had, but the fact that I let them [past memories] control my life, let them define who I am today. The people become a measure of where I want to be (or where I am running away from) and my experiences are a collection of the “me’s” that I’ve been.

What I’ve failed to see, until recently, is through each of these people, I’ve learned a little bit more about myself…I am not any one specific person (past or present) but very much unique. I have been able to experience people with admirable qualities and those not so much. I am not a good person because I was friends with Mother Teresa or a bad person because I once ran around with a murderer, but have learned from their attitudes something that can make me a better person than I was then.

They’ve all come at different times, some when I’ve least expected, some when I’ve been in most need and some when I didn’t know I needed them at all. Regardless of their timeing, looking back, they were always there when I needed them the most during that part of my life.
I’ve said many times before, I believe everything happens for a reason and I believe people are no exception. So back to the question that started it all – “Can I be me without my past?” Yes and No. My past would not exist if were not for me, but without it I still could. With it I am just a bit more colorful than before.