Birthdays are a time when one whole year comes full circle for me rather than the commercially touted New Years celebration.  Last year, however, I found myself looking back with anger and chalked it up to turning 30.  I went through a long pause of contemplation about my past and realized there was a reason and a season for all that had happened in my life to get me to that point, to make me who I was and found the peace I needed to let it go.  I felt the change in the air as I embarked on another year in the journey of my life and thought I had done a good job, but yet here I sit once again looking back and feeling like something is amiss.

Balance.

What is it that I want to accomplish?  What do I most want to leave behind?  How do I love what I do and who I am while feeling like this is where I am meant to be?  I want to do so much more than what I do now and yet still I struggle with the amount of time in a day.  I sit here and look around at all that everyone does and feel inadequate.  I feel that my balance is somehow not quite even and I struggle to keep it going for fear that it will come crashing down around me.

I am not approaching this birthday with anger, but rather sadness for what it feels like I’ve missed.  Almost as if there was a piece of the puzzle that I walked right by and didn’t even notice it was there.  A  moment to step outside my comfort zone – to step outside the proverbial ‘box’and because I rarely do things without much calculation…that risk was ignored on the pemise of ‘playing it safe’.  When so much in the world seems temporary and unstable, I want to just fly under the radar.  I want to be good and do good, but not be noticed because being noticed makes you a target.  A target I fear will get my head chopped off if I make the wrong move.

Do you take a leap of faith and hope you soar with the eagles or stay on the ground where there is no fear of falling?