Earlier last month I referenced my annual performance review and how being asked to put it down on paper makes it feel so … superficial overinflated underinflated not good enough.   Once everything has been put together and all outside inputs consolidated (yes, we solicit comments from various people we support) it is provided back to us for review and any additional remarks/statements we would like to give in lieu of the marks we’ve received.  Fairly standard practice in my experience, however, this year there was a question posed to me that has made me stop and think.  One that like the Miss Universe Pagent I have thought – that was a dumb answer.

After the review, I was simply asked “What would you like to do?  Where do you see yourself?” My Answer “Ummmm…I’m not really sure.” Talk about #FailWhale.  I saw a tweet the other day that said “A career without passion is just a job” and I thought about the truth to that simple statement.  I enjoy what I do, I enjoy the people, the place, the tasks and even the occasional stressful deadlines.  I enjoy it, but I cannot imagine this being the end all be all for me and maybe that is where I struggle.  Part of me feels guilty in even wanting to expand my responsibility focus when I see  so many flaws in my current project tasks.  A project that is revolving and evolving, but never fully complete.  A project that has made vast improvements, that I would love to see equally embraced by a larger group, but cannot get the focus on the details of the project without much prodding and hand holding.  And yes, part of me feels like a failure because I see these things and yet I want more than this.

For the past 3 years I have been enthralled by a system of processes, people and applications second in size only to the internet itself.  I have wanted to know the ins and outs and behind the scenes working so that problems can be identified and solutions can be found.  I don’t want to be master of just one…I just want to understand it all well enough so that I can assist in the forward progression of making it better.  But what does that make me?  How do I provide the tools necessary for others to do the work on the detail level?  I see this vision I just don’t see the road to get there and wonder sometimes if maybe I am dreaming.

So I guess what I’m really asking is “How do you like to be engaged?”  What is it about a problem or task or cause that makes you want to take action or become involved?  There are many different management styles, but in the end it’s not about management because unless you want something to change or be better or even be different it will never get off the ground.