I feel unnoticed and I don’t want to feel this way. I want to scream from the rooftop, shout from a pulpit, declare “look at me” from my soapbox and yet as much as I want someone to take notice of what I do and who I am…there is an overwhelming fear that I will offend someone, that I will be unjustly full of myself, that I don’t have a right to request such attention that I am paralyzed where I stand furious I can’t move forward and mad enough that I won’t back down.
Where does that leave me?
Nowhere I am comfortable being. No where good. Nowhere but stewing in my own pot of pity and it is wearing me down. I try to be a positive person and treat each experience as a chance to excel. I want to believe that if I do what I feel needs to be done with compassion and treat others the way I want to be treated that life will repay me in kind. However, I am not perfect and I am not always the best at practicing what I preach and it is times like these that I feel used and abused and wonder why I do what I do.
It is times like these that I feel nameless in a faceless world where everyone is out for themselves and I am just helping them pass me by believing I am doing a ‘good’ thing, while really screwing myself. It’s moments like this I retreat into myself. I pull up the walls and smile on the outside and go thru the motions inflicting mandatory solace on myself, mad the rest of the world looks so free. It’s times like this the dark cloud hangs overhead and I sit alone screaming a big F-YOU! to the world where only the sound of the words reverberate off the walls, echoing only in my head with no one the wiser. It’s moments like this I want to hurl every brutally honest truth I keep locked away and say “the hell with what you think – I.DON’T.CARE” consequences be damned. It’s times like these…I cannot be the bigger person and so instead I hide inside.
I want to be bigger than I am. I want to feel like I matter. I want to make a difference. I want to know someone believes I can do anything I put my mind too as much as I believe it. I want to be pushed and challenged and then told ‘good job.’ I don’t want the far too few and rarely given ‘Thank You’ to be the only bread crumbs of hope. And I don’t want to justify the lack of notice with the empty sentiment “That’s just the way it is” because it’s crap.
