Unnoticed

Author: admin

Aug 18

I feel unnoticed and I don’t want to feel this way.  I want to scream from the rooftop, shout from a pulpit, declare “look at me” from my soapbox and yet as much as I want someone to take notice of what I do and who I am…there is an overwhelming fear that I will offend someone, that I will be unjustly full of myself, that I don’t have a right to request such attention that I am paralyzed where I stand furious I can’t move forward and mad enough that I won’t back down.

Where does that leave me?

Nowhere I am comfortable being.  No where good.  Nowhere but stewing in my own pot of pity and it is wearing me down.  I try to be a positive person and treat each experience as a chance to excel.  I want to believe that if I do what I feel needs to be done with compassion and treat others the way I want to be treated that life will repay me in kind.  However, I am not perfect and I am not always the best at practicing what I preach and it is times like these that I feel used and abused and wonder why I do what I do.

It is times like these that I feel nameless in a faceless world where everyone is out for themselves and I am just helping them pass me by believing I am doing a ‘good’ thing, while really screwing myself.  It’s moments like this I retreat into myself.  I pull up the walls and smile on the outside and go thru the motions inflicting mandatory solace on myself, mad the rest of the world looks so free.  It’s times like this the dark cloud hangs overhead and I sit alone screaming a big F-YOU! to the world where only the sound of the words reverberate off the walls, echoing only in my head with no one the wiser.  It’s moments like this I want to hurl every brutally honest truth I keep locked away and say “the hell with what you think – I.DON’T.CARE” consequences be damned.  It’s times like these…I cannot be the bigger person and so instead I hide inside.

I want to be bigger than I am.  I want to feel like I matter.  I want to make a difference.  I want to know someone believes I can do anything I put my mind too as much as I believe it.  I want to be pushed and challenged and then told ‘good job.’  I don’t want the far too few and rarely given ‘Thank You’ to be the only bread crumbs of hope.  And I don’t want to justify the lack of notice with the empty sentiment “That’s just the way it is” because it’s crap.

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Giving In…

Author: admin

Apr 17

Today…that is what I talked about last time I wrote here and then as quickly as it came, it was gone and I was right back to what I know and where I’d been all along. 

Sometimes its the silence that scares us most – the thought of being alone with only our thoughts that keeps us moving forward.  Sometimes though, the silence is what we need the most – the moments just before the dawn breaks where dreams and reality merge, where the conscious and subconcious meet, the place where thoughts are free to roam and sometimes grow into possibilities.  For me, I find it hard to be in “that” place and for a while now I have been dancing around the edges of that place because…because simply I wasn’t sure I was ready to face what might be there.  I’m not saying that it is always a scary place, but rather sometimes being there can give you a glimpse of yourself that isn’t really the ‘you’ you’d hope would be looking back.

I am there.  I am on autopilot and going thru the motions takes effort I’m not sure I have anymore.  I feel numb and so afraid to let it all go because if I do, where will I go next?  What will the motivation be?  Months of uncertainty and thought and mask wearing – just hoping tomorrow would be different have only lead to this place where the silence is all I’m left with.  For a few days, I gave in and let it go…let go of everything and just became absorbed in the silence and for once it was peaceful to just be and I could almost feel myself start to feel less empty.   There are things I can see clearer than before and things I think I am beginning to understand, but for right now it’s just one tiny step at a time.

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Changing My Comfort Zone

Author: admin

Sep 27

Birthdays are a time when one whole year comes full circle for me rather than the commercially touted New Years celebration.  Last year, however, I found myself looking back with anger and chalked it up to turning 30.  I went through a long pause of contemplation about my past and realized there was a reason and a season for all that had happened in my life to get me to that point, to make me who I was and found the peace I needed to let it go.  I felt the change in the air as I embarked on another year in the journey of my life and thought I had done a good job, but yet here I sit once again looking back and feeling like something is amiss.

Balance.

What is it that I want to accomplish?  What do I most want to leave behind?  How do I love what I do and who I am while feeling like this is where I am meant to be?  I want to do so much more than what I do now and yet still I struggle with the amount of time in a day.  I sit here and look around at all that everyone does and feel inadequate.  I feel that my balance is somehow not quite even and I struggle to keep it going for fear that it will come crashing down around me.

I am not approaching this birthday with anger, but rather sadness for what it feels like I’ve missed.  Almost as if there was a piece of the puzzle that I walked right by and didn’t even notice it was there.  A  moment to step outside my comfort zone – to step outside the proverbial ‘box’and because I rarely do things without much calculation…that risk was ignored on the pemise of ‘playing it safe’.  When so much in the world seems temporary and unstable, I want to just fly under the radar.  I want to be good and do good, but not be noticed because being noticed makes you a target.  A target I fear will get my head chopped off if I make the wrong move.

Do you take a leap of faith and hope you soar with the eagles or stay on the ground where there is no fear of falling?

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