Unnoticed

Author: admin

Aug 18

I feel unnoticed and I don’t want to feel this way.  I want to scream from the rooftop, shout from a pulpit, declare “look at me” from my soapbox and yet as much as I want someone to take notice of what I do and who I am…there is an overwhelming fear that I will offend someone, that I will be unjustly full of myself, that I don’t have a right to request such attention that I am paralyzed where I stand furious I can’t move forward and mad enough that I won’t back down.

Where does that leave me?

Nowhere I am comfortable being.  No where good.  Nowhere but stewing in my own pot of pity and it is wearing me down.  I try to be a positive person and treat each experience as a chance to excel.  I want to believe that if I do what I feel needs to be done with compassion and treat others the way I want to be treated that life will repay me in kind.  However, I am not perfect and I am not always the best at practicing what I preach and it is times like these that I feel used and abused and wonder why I do what I do.

It is times like these that I feel nameless in a faceless world where everyone is out for themselves and I am just helping them pass me by believing I am doing a ‘good’ thing, while really screwing myself.  It’s moments like this I retreat into myself.  I pull up the walls and smile on the outside and go thru the motions inflicting mandatory solace on myself, mad the rest of the world looks so free.  It’s times like this the dark cloud hangs overhead and I sit alone screaming a big F-YOU! to the world where only the sound of the words reverberate off the walls, echoing only in my head with no one the wiser.  It’s moments like this I want to hurl every brutally honest truth I keep locked away and say “the hell with what you think – I.DON’T.CARE” consequences be damned.  It’s times like these…I cannot be the bigger person and so instead I hide inside.

I want to be bigger than I am.  I want to feel like I matter.  I want to make a difference.  I want to know someone believes I can do anything I put my mind too as much as I believe it.  I want to be pushed and challenged and then told ‘good job.’  I don’t want the far too few and rarely given ‘Thank You’ to be the only bread crumbs of hope.  And I don’t want to justify the lack of notice with the empty sentiment “That’s just the way it is” because it’s crap.

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Possibilities

Author: admin

Apr 30

I stumbled across something earlier this week that just kind of stuck with me…”Life is like a funnel – it start out at the top where the possibilities are endless and eventually through our choices (jobs/family/bills/kids/etc) we end up at the bottom, limited to the way things are.”  Funny how as we get older and ‘grow up’ life ties us to certain responsibilities we feel compelled to carry out.  Even if we don’t always want to continue doing things that way – we do it anyway.

Here’s the thing though…possibilities are just that…a whole lot of maybe’s in life.  Maybe doesn’t mean yes and it doesn’t mean no and sometimes depending on the possibility, sometimes it isn’t even a GOOD thing.  Take for example -

  1. The possibility of RAIN
  2. The possibility of flooding as the rivers continue to rise on a daily basis.
  3. The possibility of a new job
  4. The possibility of a celebration

On the surface most of these (1,3 & 4) seem like a good thing where as 2 doesn’t really seem like the possibility of something any of us would hope for, but could we be wrong?

  1. Rain – Good thing if there has been little to none; Bad, however, if the area is already saturated and river levels are high.
  2. Flood – Bad thing because no one really wants to risk losing everything or anything; Good however, if you’ve been holding on to something (house/property/etc) for all the wrong reasons and a disaster like this can help break the ties.
  3. New Job – Good thing if its more money or career growth or personal satisfaction; Bad, however, if it means someone else is losing a job
  4. Celebration – Good because we all like to ‘celebrate’; Bad, however, if any of the first three possibilities interfere and prevent the celebration as planned.

Possibilities, for me, are not endless…at least not the way they once were.  I will admit that I feel like I am swirling down my funnel of life knowing that I cannot stop this progression and yet still clinging to the hope that things can change … if I really want them to.

Over the next 2 weeks each possibility above will become a reality and a choice will be made.  Each can go 1 of 2 ways and only then will I know the outcome.  I like having options, possibilities, choices, but there comes a point when we’re far enough into the funnel that you can see what they are before they get there.  A point in life where we cannot blindly ignore one because ‘something better’ could be out there.

I am here and I don’t have the answers…

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Giving In…

Author: admin

Apr 17

Today…that is what I talked about last time I wrote here and then as quickly as it came, it was gone and I was right back to what I know and where I’d been all along. 

Sometimes its the silence that scares us most – the thought of being alone with only our thoughts that keeps us moving forward.  Sometimes though, the silence is what we need the most – the moments just before the dawn breaks where dreams and reality merge, where the conscious and subconcious meet, the place where thoughts are free to roam and sometimes grow into possibilities.  For me, I find it hard to be in “that” place and for a while now I have been dancing around the edges of that place because…because simply I wasn’t sure I was ready to face what might be there.  I’m not saying that it is always a scary place, but rather sometimes being there can give you a glimpse of yourself that isn’t really the ‘you’ you’d hope would be looking back.

I am there.  I am on autopilot and going thru the motions takes effort I’m not sure I have anymore.  I feel numb and so afraid to let it all go because if I do, where will I go next?  What will the motivation be?  Months of uncertainty and thought and mask wearing – just hoping tomorrow would be different have only lead to this place where the silence is all I’m left with.  For a few days, I gave in and let it go…let go of everything and just became absorbed in the silence and for once it was peaceful to just be and I could almost feel myself start to feel less empty.   There are things I can see clearer than before and things I think I am beginning to understand, but for right now it’s just one tiny step at a time.

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